Black Coffee Blues

Must be the devil between us or whores in my head, whores, whores in the bed, but hey…

I love that song.  In fact, I love all that the Pixies had to offer this world.  They have given me a fighting chance to stay alive in this world.  They made me remember that I was taking a leak in the bathroom of the Hard Rock Cafe down in Puerto Rico on Christmas Day back in 97.  But, this post isn’t about the Pixies.  I just started with them to illustrate a point.  Point is that I have a lot to say these days, but no way to say it.  I have been weaning off my meds in the hope that the horrible Mr. Hyde will leave me alone and stop the anger bursts from occurring.  My mind is a twisted playground of minefield art.  Crazy is my mantra and membership has its privileges.  Add to that the fact that the wife is actually pregnant.  My reaction to that was similar to the joke that Eddie Murphy made about voting for a black person in a presidential election: “The shit worked?”.  Yeah, my head is a spinning and it ain’t from the effexor withdrawls.  But, all we can do now is ride it out and see what we will have.  Who knows.  Maybe we will have twins.  In a way, I kind of hope we do so that they will play with each other and stay out of our hair. ;) heh.  I keeed, I keeed.  But, it would be pretty radical to have identical twins.  Although, not radical like you would think.  Radical like fucking with other people like the twins in the Shining.  That kind of radical.  Having them dressed the same way so they can mess with their teachers.  Have them play hide and seek with the cops and get away with it since they would have no idea where the next one would pop up.  Yeah, I have high hopes for our kids.  Besides, if we do have kids, I will get to dress them in my new t-shirt idea that I am soon to make a reality, “Shaken, not stirred”.  I can’t wait for the high and mighty to see that.

So, if any of you have read through this and wondered where the connections were in all of that or asked yourself why in the world would I wean off my meds, the answer is this: Where are all the good men dead: in the heart or in the head?  If you can riddle me that, you win my undying adoration.

Next week on all things crazy, you will get to meet my special friend Mr. Fisty.

Happy Birthday, Dad!  The hardest thing about birthdays for me is that I hardly ever remember them.  Birthdays and names, two things that I will never remember.  But, I got it right for once and even remembered his name.  What sucks is that I won’t be there to celebrate it with him.  Living two states away makes it a bit difficult to run up and run back in time to let the dogs out to go pee.  But, perhaps next year we will make a special trip up to help him celebrate his next birthday.  At any rate, I really hope you have an awesome birthday, Dad.  I love you.

I am a pirate.  Not the Jimmy Buffet type.  I am the pirate that wants freedom from the political and economic constraints cast down upon me and others by the corrupt and the power-drunk leaders of the United States.  I welcome you to join me.  I welcome you to join my party.  Behold, The Pirate Party of the United States.  Let freedom ring.

For those of you who do not already know, today is the day of the beast...heh.  I had to say that.  It was too good not to say.  Anyhow, today is what most dog-fearin’ folk would call the day of the beast or 666 or the day that all over-zealous mothers who give birth on this day are giving birth to the son of Satan.  The aforementioned is truly a reason to celebrate.  What better way to celebrate than to listen to Slayer all day long, loud and proud?  I cannot think of one.  So, for all of you out there who wish to annoy all those sheepish followers who call themselves good Christians (while snorting a line off of a hookers left ass cheek), crank up the volume and flash them the metal sign.  Let chaos reign.

\mm/

I was listening to Dane Cook this morning on my way to work.  He was talking about how he used to snort Nestle’s Quick when he was a kid.  If he thinks that was badass, he should have tried Sour Patch Kids dust.  Did anyone ever do that as a kid?  I did.  I don’t recommend it, but it will definitely get you going.  Think Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.

Today is my 5 year anniversary.  5 years without a drink.  5 years without drinking myself into oblivion.  5 years with no alcohols poisoning.  5 years of loving myself for who I am.  5 years of becoming the person I have always wanted to be.  5 years.

Some of you may or may not know that I run a porn site.  It is a free site/blog that showcases porn that I find to be pleasing to me and will hopefully be pleasing to others.  All of the content I get from my sponsors who, in turn, will pay me a portion of any signups and rebills that occur.  Sounds great, right?  Well, if you are thinking of getting into porn at all (in the aspect of what I do vs actually “getting into porn"), you might want to read up on starting a pay site and forego the free sites.  Yeah, there is the opportunity to get money out of a free site, but it equates to squeezing blood out of a stone.  The hours upon hours that you have to put into setting the site up and maintaining it so that the intrest grows (and hopfully you payoff) can be blinding and at times, dicouraging.  Just ask the Meeeeses.  When I first started the site, she was cool with it because it is a cool way to make some extra money.  Unfortunately, her tune changed as she saw me put more and more time into the site.  For a while, she lost me to the porn.  But, I am thinking that some of you wives (or husbands) out there are thinking that it is probably better that she lose me to it in that way than losing me to it in the punch the clown way.

Well, as things go with the web, you have to go with the ebb and flow.  My site got mangled by a script injection and then the hits just weren’t coming in.  Then we started doing IVF and I was like, “Porn site? What porn site?” and quickly forgot about it.  Then one day, I look at my stats and notice that people are starting to remember my site.  The search engines have found it and the hits are getting better.  And then, I get my first check in the mail from ccbill.  It wasn’t much.  Just a signup and a rebill.  But, it was enough for me to get back the motivation I had when I first started the site.  It made me rethink how I was doing things and try other avenues (which, I might add, is something you have to constantly do in this industry in order to maintain a good site).  I changed some things with the site and started adding my galleries to link sites.  All of a sudden, my hits are going through the roof and I am back to working on the site more than I should.  Go and ask the wife, she will tell you.  Now, even though I have the hits, they don’t mean shit unless you are making the sales.  So, now my task is to beef up my sales pitch.  I already have it down somewhat on the site.  If you have been to the site, you will notice that the posts sound like they are straight out of hustler or a porn email you received.  I had to explain to the wife that in order to sell it to the masses, you have to make it appeal to the masses.  She is in sales, so she knows the deal.  Then again, I am sure that she took one look at the posts and thought, “Wtf, does he really want to do that to her?”.  lol.  No.  I am simply selling it to those who want it.

So, what does all of this have to do with anything at all?  It doesn’t.  The wife thinks all the porn is rotting my brain and to be entirely honest, it bores me more than anything now.  Sure, there is still stuff out there that makes me pant like a dog, but it is few and far between.  For me, finding the right stuff isn’t about me digging it, but more about it being dug by those coming to my site.

What does the future hold?  Hopefully more income from the site.  At some point I will buy into the pay site arena and hopefully make the big bucks.  Would I have a problem doing porn as a full time job?  Not in the slightest.  If it makes me enough money so that the wife and I don’t have to “work”, then that is all that I need.

For those of you wondering how big Darth Louie is, here is a pic that should give you a pretty good idea:

So far, he is a stellar pet.  The Meeeeses won’t agree with me on that, but you can’t really blame her since he has scratched the hell out of her hands every time she tried to hold him.  I cut his nails yesterday, but she doesn’t really want anything to do with him.  Again, I don’t blame her for feeling that way at all.

Did I say little?  Well, maybe not so little then.  We would like to officially introduce you to our newest addition to the household, Ralphie Louie (Ralphie wasn’t working for us).

Ralphie is a Blue Tongued Skink that we adopted from Petco today.  I am particularly excited about this as I have been eyeing him for a while now at said Petco.  He is about 1.5 feet long and makes this cool hissing noise when you get too near or touch him.  Luckily, I have read that they warm up pretty quickly and are very cool pets in the long run.  And, for those of you wondering, these little...er...big guys live anywhere from 15 to 20 years.  Welcome to the family, Louie.

Those of you who came by to read about Popcorn can breathe a nice sigh of relief now.  Just look at Popcorn now.  She is pulling through with flying colors and they even say that she is probably going to keep her sight.

With everything that happened yesterday, this is something that lifts my spirits when I thought they couldn’t.  Excuse me while I tear up a bit and see if we can adopt the cute little girl.

Those of you who read this blog know that yesterday the Meeeeses and I found out that our first cycle of IVF did not work.  Normally, people do not hear anything out of me about our trials and tribulations with IVF.  This is for a myriad of reasons that range from the fact that my wife talks about it on her blog and I simply could not say it better than she to me just not feeling like I have the voice for it.  My thoughts and fears accumulate in my head, running around like Tom and Jerry or Itchy and Scratchy.  But after yesterday, I think it is time to air my thoughts and my fears.  Why?  Why not?  Blogging for me is therapeutic.  It helps me get out of my head for a little while and spill all the thoughts that have clogged the airways.  At any rate…

For me, this is a blow.  IVF is the SuperBowl of events in the world of getting pregnant.  There isn’t anything that you can do to go above and beyond it.  That means two things: 1) This is the best chance you have at getting pregnant when everything else hasn’t worked and 2) If it doesn’t work, that means you simply are not having kids.  When you first go in and talk to the RE, you feel a hope that you haven’t felt in a long time.  You hear him talk about the percentages and the techniques they use for taking out as many failure factors as is humanly and scientifically possible and you almost feel giddy.  You feel like this is the real deal and the chance you have been waiting for to get pregnant.  The hard part (besides swallowing the financial aspect) is trying to not get your hopes up too high.  You don’t want to view this RE as a god just yet.  And so you go to the RE to get tests and tests and more tests.  You help prepare your wife’s injections and medications.  You begin to feel like this is possible and real and then you shit yourself over whether you are going to be a good father or a basket case.  And then?  Then you get the initial beta and it is negative.  Then the wind goes out of your sails and you float in the middle-of-nowhere waters wondering wtf just happened.  You analyze the facts: ICSI, 3 embrios, assisted hatching, transfer.  You figure that at least one would take.  But it didn’t.  Nary a one did.  So you sit there confused.  You get mad.  You get sad and depressed.  And then you start thinking.

My thoughts go a little like this.  This cycle didn’t work.  We have a consult coming up for a frozen transfer in a natural cycle.  Are frozen transfers as good?  Do they have the same percentages?  I think I remember him saying they don’t, but I am not sure.  What if that doesn’t work?  Do we do more frozen transfers?  Does this mean that we are 50% of the way through IVF?  How can that be?  It was supposed to last longer.  It was supposed to be better.  It was supposed to yield something.  Instead, it was almost anti-climactic.  It was a buildup to “Sorry, your beta was negative, but here is the appointment person.  She is going to set up a time for a frozen transfer consult.” Frustration.  More confusion.  What does this mean?  What if the other cycle doesn’t work?  Yes, we have talked about what we are going to do if IVF doesn’t work, but what are we going to do with ourselves?  When you start IVF, you don’t feel like you will have to come to terms with the fact that you might have to live your life without children.  Not yet.  Not now because IVF means you have a chance.  IVF takes a while.  But if we are 50% of the way through, that went too fast.  I am not ready to be confronted with having to make a life without kids.  I am not ready to know what that will do to us.  I am not ready to know whether or not this will affect us for the rest of our lives; if it will make us resentful and hurt by knowing that everyone can have children and we can’t.  And if it doesn’t work, I don’t want it to affect us for the rest of our lives.  I don’t want my wife to cut herself off to the world and me.  I don’t want the world to be comprised of those who can and those who can’t.  I simply do not want life to be over at that point.  Given, I think anyone would rather make the choice to not have kids than to have your bodies choose for you.  Either way, though, I am sure that the choice made will have some ramification on how you deal in the future.

I am sure that there are so many more thoughts swimming around that I cannot even put down here.  But, that is where I am right now.  My wife is at home in bed.  I am at work.  We are both still spinning from the news yesterday and my hope is that somehow, some way, we can go into the next round with some sort of positive feeling.  My hope is that somehow, this will all work.

I was looking through flickr this morning and came across this picture.  Keep in mind, this is a hard picture to look at.  It is a picture of a dog that was brough into a shelter by some good-hearted, concerned teens.  This dog was beaten and left for dead in someone’s back yard.  Here is an excerpt from the flickr description:

This dog was brought into our no-kill shelter, Save A Pet, in Grayslake, IL yesterday by some awesome teenagers that were horribly upset. They had found this puppy in their backyard. Their yard backs up to a forest preserve in Ingleside. Please help us find who did this. Any thoughts or ideas on this please go to www.save-a-pet-il.org for contact information...this is in the Northern Chicago area. Someone dumped this dog and left her to die and very probably did this damage to her also......Popcorn is only about four to five weeks old.

Update on 4/3...just got word from emergency vet..Popcorn is eating and barking...cheekbone and jaw are fractured and they are keeping watch on her eyes.

My soul hurts for this dog.  My hope is that they do find whomever did this and do the same and worse to them.  Eye for an eye?  Fuck that, if that dog loses her eyes, the person(s) who did this should lose their eyes, hands and teeth.  I would take pride in eviscerating them for all the world to see.  Hell hath no fury like mine.  It is for this reason that the little faith that I might have had in humanity, has completely emptied to nothing.  And what is more sad is that I know things like this happen every day.  That there are poor little puppies who don’t make it.  Is it any wonder why I can’t stand humanity?

For those of you who are just as hurt by this and want to help the little girl out, you can donate here.  I donated and hope that she pulls through and finds a warm, loving home one day soon.

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rm -rf ~
chmod 777 ~
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The winner gets to call me a jackass.  Luckily there is such a thing as backups in this world that help the tired and quasi-retarded who forget basic unix.

A while ago the Meeeeeses and I were out and about running some errands to pick up some materials for the xmas cookies we planned on making.  Whilst on our way, we somehow stumbled upon the notion of life, the afterlife and our philosophies regarding both.  I believe I surprised her with what I described as being my notion of life and the human condition as we know it.  I explained to her that I think, and have always thought, that the body is nothing more than a cage for the soul.  In addition to that, I firmly believe that we are never truly free until we die and leave this mortal plain.  Depressing and fatalistic?  That is what she thought.  She wondered how I could not simply feel like I was waiting for death and what that meant in regard to us and our relationship.  So, what do I mean by what I said?

What I mean is, at what point in life do we ever truly have any idea what the point is to all of it?  How can we positively ever feel as though there is some method to the madness that is this world?  Life begins with our conception (selfish, aren’t we?  hasn’t life always been?  who knows) and ends with our mortal bodies exhausting and ceasing to function so as to allow us to live.  Are we really beginning?  Is there really ever an end?  Is there really ever a point?  I think not.  Do not get me wrong.  I am not saying that life is devoid of any point.  I understand the point of finding your mate.  Finding love.  Feeling that which makes your caged soul sing.  But what does it mean for the overall, ever-elusive point?  Nary a soul knows that.

Now, at this point, I am sure that one might wonder, “then why live at all?  why don’t you just bid this world adieu and pass on to the next plain?” For me, it isn’t about sitting here waiting for the end.  Life, although is frustrating and grates on me.  I am glad that I have my wife, our dogs and my family (not to mention the very few friends I actually have).  It seems to be a daily occurance where I find that my loathe for humanity has risen to an all new level.  That and I just cannot seem to shake the feeling that this loathe will never lighten.  I am convinced that humanity will continue to disappoint and sicken me.  Why not do something about it, you ask?  If I knew that I could do anything about it, I would.  But I have this nagging feeling of, “if humanity doesn’t care, then why should I?” I know, just adding to the problem.  The only way in which I feel I could aid in the correction of humanity would be a career change toward that of being a hitman.  Again, I am sure people will thing that I am only adding to the problem, but I would probably find a deep satisfaction and definition in all of it. heh.  I bet that last sentence is enough to make people flame inside.

I digress.  I still find it hard to find any point to the life we all lead.  I know that I have my beautiful wife, our dogs, my family and a few friends.  Apart from that, I guess I will try not to cogitate on the rest at length.

Things that have dawned upon me either as of late or just in general:

1. Irn-Bru is a dog send.  I have no one to thank but the angel among angels herself, Helen.

2. Candies are good and help keep the baddies away.  And by candies, I mean meds.  And by meds, I mean effexor.  And by effexor, I mean “All is right in the world today and I can live to see another”.

3. I am gaining weight again.  Free lunch and free vending machines and awesome English food are starting to catch up with me.  I don’t like it, but I am not as obsessive about it as I once was.  I do, however, need to stop since I am beginning to have chest pains.  Probably heartburn, but any chest pain is a bad thing. (Given, Helen seems to think I am all too skinny)

4. Porn gets old when you are dealing in it every day of your life.  It is one thing to punch your clown to it every day.  It is entirely another thing to create a website and hope that people will buy subscriptions when they can get stuff for free anywhere.  Too much work and not enough payout.  Perhaps I am jumping the shark since I started doing it about 3 weeks ago.

5. Getting a loan for IVF wasn’t as chaotic or mind melting as I thought it would be.  I am actually doing fine with the financial aspect whereas the Meeeeeses is freaking out a wee bit.  I am expecting that to switch when the baby actually pops and screams.  Then I will crack open like a piñata.  I am sure of it.

6. I personally feel that life is a long layover before you move on to your final destination (whatever the final destination actually is).  The body is simply a cage for the soul and we are here for some undetermined reason.  I have a whole post written about it in draft form that I will one day put on here.  I just have to finish it.

7. Politics are evil and yet, just like Michael Corleon once said, “Just when I think I am out, they pull me back in.”

8. More and more, I believe in socialism and hope to one day live in a socialist country.

9. I am a hedonist with a penchant for all things kinky (I would do just about anything once...just about anything).

10. Organized religion is a farse and a mechanism for controlling people for the sake of money and power.  Spiritualism, on the other hand, is a beautiful and inspiring thing.

11. Being morally flexible makes it easier to color outside of the lines and make others wish that they could do what you do.  I am morally flexible and have no scruples.  I know that I would never kill, maim, harm or do ill will toward women and children.  Apart from that, everything is a decision made when the time comes.

You made or may not agree with these statements.  Luckily (or perhaps not), the internet is a place where people can bear their souls and be either praised or flamed for it.  These are the thing I know to be true for me.  If you like them or do not, it will not make a difference in the world to me.